


영원+1(let me love you)

by ilovesungyeollie



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Unrequited Love, daniel doesn’t actually appear but it’s background nielwink i gues, from guanlin’s pov, panwinkweek, pwwday7, s
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 09:14:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15771096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilovesungyeollie/pseuds/ilovesungyeollie
Summary: If you had to choose between loving or living, which would you choose?For Guanlin, he wouldn't give up loving Jihoon for anything, not even for his life.-hanahaki disease; a result of harboring unrequited love in which one coughs up flower petals until their love is returned or they die.sunflowers; a symbol of adoration and loyalty and dedicated love.





	영원+1(let me love you)

**Author's Note:**

> Whoever is monitoring my search history is probably very concerned as to why i want to know what sunflowers taste like. But apparently you can actually eat them, raw or cooked, so maybe it’s not so out there lol.
> 
> Last day of panwink week and what better way to celebrate than with heart wrenching angst? hehehehe enjoy it guys~ i’ve had this sitting in drafts for like 2 months waiting to be published for today.

  


* * *

 

The first time it happened Guanlin didn’t even know such a disease existed.

 

He was just walking along, as he did every afternoon, next to Jihoon, on their way to the university dorms. They were the best of friends and had been ecstatic when Guanlin graduated high school and was accepted into the same university as his Jihoon-hyung. Since then they would roam around university together, always wrapped up in some interesting conversation if their lack of awareness of their surroundings was anything to go by. They didn’t share a dorm room, but one was often found in the other’s room.

 

On this particular day Guanlin had made a silly comment about something, causing Jihoon to throw his head back in delight, laughing without restraint. Guanlin had turned to his left, eyes disappearing and lips curving automatically, as he looked at Jihoon fondly. The setting sunlight hit Jihoon’s hair and face at all the right angles and all Guanlin could think was how utterly breathtaking Jihoon looked. He felt a blossoming warmth in his chest as his heart thudded faster with every beat, and then it happened.

 

All of a sudden Guanlin felt the oddly familiar but foreign texture of a flower petal in his mouth. His smile drops and he frowns in confusion. Opening his mouth he spits out a single bright yellow sunflower petal. Guanlin stares at the sunflower petal in his palm, uncomprehending the situation.

 

“What’s wrong Lin?”

 

Jihoon’s sweet voice, slightly tinged with concern, floats to Guanlin. He looks up and sees Jihoon a few paces in front him before realising he had stopped walking. Guanlin drops his hand, letting the sunflower petal fall away. With a shake of his head Guanlin forgets about it and bounds to catch up with Jihoon.

 

“It’s nothing.”

 

Oh how those two words would haunt Guanlin in the future.

 

-

 

It wasn’t until three months later, after many more similar occurrences, when Guanlin coughs up an alarming handful of soft yellow petals does he finally acknowledge there was something wrong.

 

Guanlin was alone in his dorm when he had doubled over in the living room and the sunflower petals fell out of his mouth and onto the sofa. It was the first time so many petals had come up at once and Guanlin could no longer ignore the fact that it was not normal. With a sigh, and something feeling like dread in his stomach, Guanlin clears the petals away before retreating to his bed with his laptop. A quick search lets Guanlin know that what he has is an actual disease, not rare but also not well known.

 

Hanahaki disease, it’s called. A condition as a consequence of unrequited love, where flowers grows inside you and which can only be cured if the person you love returns those feelings. Or you could undertake surgery that would not only remove the flowers but all your feelings and memories of the person you love.

 

Putting his laptop away, Guanlin lays down in his bed and thinks about his condition. He knows exactly who he is in love with and it hurts to have a constant, painful reminder that the other did not love him back.

 

Knocks on the door draws Guanlin from his thoughts. When Guanlin opens the door, he is greeted with the sunshine smile that he loves. Jihoon slips inside and plops onto the sofa with a content sigh. He looks up at Guanlin, frowning slightly when he sees Guanlin’s face.

 

“What’s up Lin-ah? Are you okay? Your face seems more pale than usual.”

 

Guanlin lifts his lips up to one side, giving Jihoon a sideways smile.

 

“It’s nothing, hyung. I’m fine.”

 

But Guanlin was not fine. Not with how his heart was falling apart piece by piece, day by day.

 

-

 

There was only one time when Guanlin was able to love Jihoon without the pain of flower petals coming up his throat.

 

It was at a house party; not an event Guanlin particularly liked to frequent but Jihoon had been invited by one of his favourite hyungs and he didn’t want to come alone. Guanlin had readily agreed to accompany him when Jihoon asked. 

 

Guanlin was leaning on the wall by the electric blue punch bowl, with one cup of it in his hand. There was loud music booming through the house and a buzz of chatter from the people dancing and socialising in the room. Noone came up to Guanlin and he preferred it that way. He much rathered watching Jihoon on the other side of the room.

 

Jihoon was chatting to a tall black haired boy, who Guanlin assumed was that hyung who invited him. They seemed to be having an engaging conversation despite the loud atmosphere. Guanlin gazed at Jihoon fondly as the other boy’s eyes lit up and his hands gestured animatedly. Jihoon was beautiful when he was passionate about what he was talking about. Then Jihoon was laughing, with an earth shattering smile and Guanlin can feel his heart filling up with adoration and love.

 

It was amazing how happy Guanlin felt from just seeing Jihoon happy and he was surprised he wasn’t already coughing up buckets of sunflower petals. But Guanlin wasn’t complaining and he enjoys the wondrous feeling of being in love, albeit one sided.

 

-

 

One day, after a particularly painful coughing fit and armfuls of silken sunflower petals, Guanlin visits the hospital. He makes sure no-one he knows sees him, especially not Jihoon.

 

The doctor advises Guanlin to get surgery done immediately, unless he had a good feeling that his love would be returned soon. Guanlin doesn’t have a good feeling, but he refuses to get surgery. There was no way he was going to give up his memories and love for Jihoon, no matter how painful it will be. 

 

The sunflower growing inside him had to be removed before it was too late, the doctor says. Guanlin was already in the second stage of the disease and if he isn’t treated by the end of the third stage and the disease progresses into the fourth and final stage, then he was going to die.

 

If Guanlin had to choose between loving Jihoon and living, he would only live to love Jihoon.

 

-

 

The doctor had suggested he tell the person he loved what was happening and maybe they could love him back. Guanlin had hummed non committedly just to get the doctor off his back. In reality, Guanlin wasn't about to let Jihoon know that he was dying because the elder didn't love him back. Guanlin didn't want to burden Jihoon with the knowledge and make him feel obliged or pressured to return his feelings. Guanlin wanted Jihoon to live happily, free of pain and stress.   


  
"Guanlinnie!"

  
  
Jihoon called as he skipped to a stop by Guanlin's side. Guanlin turned and gave Jihoon a beaming smile.

  
  
"Hi Jihoon-hyung. How was your day?” Guanlin greeted Jihoon.

 

Jihoon smiled back and linked arms with Guanlin. “It was great. I had lunch with my new roommate. He seems like a nice guy.”

 

Guanlin nods and was about to reply when felt the tell tale signs of petals coming up his throat. He goes pale and stops in his tracks, forcing the petals back. He cannot have Jihoon finding out about his condition.

 

Jihoon furrows his eyebrows in concern as he stops as well. Guanlin had gone really pale really fast and he was sweating a bit. Reaching up to feel Guanlin’s forehead, Jihoon finds it colder than normal.

 

“Lin-ah? Are you sick?” Jihoon asks in a worried voice, starting to pull Guanlin in the direction of the dorms.

 

Guanlin shakes his head as he recovers a little bit. “I’m okay, hyung.”

 

Jihoon isn’t convinced and continues to drag Guanlin to the dorms. “You do not look okay Lin.”

 

“Really, I am fine.” Guanlin says, trying to convince Jihoon.

 

“Well whether you are fine or not, go back to your room and take a nap okay?” Jihoon replies, looking up at Guanlin with concern. 

 

Guanlin nods obediently and follows along. He had to be more careful about spending time with Jihoon, but it was so hard to tell when the petals would just start coming out. Sometimes Guanlin could spend an entire day with Jihoon without feeling sick, but that was mainly when he didn’t get caught up in his feelings. Other times, like today, the petals start coming up as soon he met Jihoon.

 

Guanlin wonders what triggered his disease today, when he hadn’t even been swept up in his overwhelming love for Jihoon.

 

-

 

It was a bright sunny day when Jihoon confessed to Guanlin. 

 

But it was not the sort of confession Guanlin wanted.

 

The two of them were leaving the cafeteria, having spent their lunch hour together. They had been chatting animatedly and Guanlin had been basking in the feeling of being in Jihoon’s presence. They stop under the shade of a big oak tree and Jihoon turns to Guanlin with an uncharacteristically shy expression. Guanlin raises an eyebrow in question, prompting Jihoon to say what was on his mind. Jihoon fiddles with his shirt before confessing with a blush.

 

“I think I’m in love with my roommate.”

 

A piercing pain flashes through Guanlin’s body and he gasps silently as he tries to maintain a calm front. With much difficulty, Guanlin manages to suppress the pain and keep his smile on his face. However, he can feel the flower petals clogging up his lungs. Jihoon is glancing around in embarrassment and so doesn’t notice Guanlin’s internal struggle.

 

Guanlin manages a light tone as he reaffirms Jihoon’s words. “Daniel-hyung?”

 

Jihoon looks up at Guanlin with a lovely smile, nodding. Before Guanlin could reply, Jihoon’s eyes flit past him and Jihoon lights up with the most dazzling smile. Guanlin’s heart aches because it’s not, and will never be, for him.

 

“Oh, there he is. Niel-hyung!”

 

Another bolt of pain sears through Guanlin’s chest, this time harder and sharper. Guanlin can feel the flower petals rising up his throat and he clamps his mouth shut. He chokes out a quick  _ Bye hyung _ , before he’s off running down the path. Just as Guanlin rounds a corner, he takes a last glance at Jihoon, speaking happily to Daniel, and Guanlin can only be bitterly glad that Jihoon is much too in love to notice Guanlin’s strange behaviour.

 

-

 

The thing that Guanlin had dreaded the most, Jihoon finding out his condition, happened on a stupidly normal day. 

  
  
Daniel was nowhere in sight and his name didn't even come up in conversation. It was just Guanlin and Jihoon studying together at Guanlin's dorm. In fact, Jihoon hadn't even been talking or anything. The elder had been engrossed in annotating his notes and Guanlin had been staring at him surreptitiously. With his head propped up by his right arm, Guanlin had been watching under his eyelashes as Jihoon furrowed his eyebrows, pursed his lips and occasionally mumbled under his breath as he tried to make sense of the content. It was when Jihoon had let out a sigh and made an adorably pouty expression that Guanlin had been overcome with emotion. 

  
  
Then in the next moment, Guanlin's body had been racked with violent coughs. He didn't even have time to react, to try to control it, and to Guanlin's utter horror the velvet yellow sunflower petals poured out of his mouth. The coughs kept coming and the petals kept falling out and a quick glance showed Jihoon staring at him with wide eyes. 

  
  
The pain hit seconds later and it was sharp and severe. It felt like thorns were embedding themselves into Guanlin's heart and it hurt so much more than anything he had ever felt before. He topples out of his chair, kneeling on the ground as he tries to breath. But it's so hard and through it all Guanlin hears Jihoon shout in alarm, speaking to him in an extremely worried voice. Guanlin wants to say something, anything, to reassure Jihoon but nothing comes out. With a final gasp Guanlin starts falling backwards, body going limp. 

  
  
The last thing Guanlin sees before he blacks out is Jihoon dropping to his side, a terrified expression on his face, to catch him before he hits the ground.

 

By the time Guanlin comes to, two days had passed. When he blinks open his eyes lethargically, the lights in the hospital room are dim. The humidifier is on and no-one is in the room. Guanlin is trying to make sense of his situation when the bathroom door opens and a pale Jihoon walks out. Upon seeing Guanlin awake, Jihoon rushes to his side.

  
  
"Guanlin-ah!"

  
  
Jihoon's face is filled with a mix of anguish and guilt, worry and regret. He looks dishevelled, with crinkled clothes and eye bags. It doesn't look like he had slept or changed in days.

  
Guanlin cracks a small smile and scolds Jihoon in a raspy voice.

  
  
"You need to look after yourself, Jihoon-hyung."

  
  
Jihoon shoots him a look of disbelief. "You're the one who needs to look after themselves. How could you let yourself end up like this?"

  
  
Guanlin remains silent, a sheepish smile on his face. Jihoon sighs, turning melancholic once again.

  
  
"Why didn't you tell me, Lin?" Jihoon whispers, eyes filling with tears.

  
  
"I didn't want to worry you." Guanlin replies, still smiling lightly.

  
  
Jihoon looks down. "I'm sorry Lin. I've been so caught up in my own life that I haven't been paying any attention to how you've been doing."

  
  
"It's alright, hyung." Guanlin says simply. And it's true. Hanahaki disease might be painful and torturous, but when it came to loving Jihoon, anything was worth it.

  
  
Another silence settles before Jihoon speaks up again.

  
  
"The doctor said it's a disease from unrequited love." Jihoon starts. "Who... Who do you love?"

  
  
Guanlin gazes at Jihoon and he knows that Jihoon already knows the answer, but didn't want to believe it. Jihoon's voice had trembled and broke even as he asked the question.

  
  
Guanlin doesn't speak but keeps on smiling, eyes forming crescents and lips stretching. Jihoon's tears spill over and he sobs into the bed by Guanlin's side, a continuous stream of apologies coming from his mouth. Guanlin's smile finally drops and he looks at Jihoon's head sadly.

  
  
"Don't cry, Jihoon-hyung." 

  
  
Guanlin lifts his hand and runs his fingers through Jihoon's hair comfortingly. They stay like that for some time until Jihoon calms down. Jihoon lifts his head slowly, the remorse and grief plain on his face. Guanlin wipes Jihoon's tears away, palm caressing his soft cheek.

  
  
"Will you do something for me hyung?" Guanlin asks with a quiet voice.

  
  
Jihoon nods furiously, eyes wide and red as he clutches Guanlin's left hand. Guanlin looks down at their hands and pats the back of Jihoon's hand with his right hand. Then lifting his head again, smiles softly at Jihoon.

  
  
"Be happy with Daniel-hyung after I'm gone. Don't blame yourself for anything. I just want you to be happy, okay?"

  
  
Jihoon stares at Guanlin with the most sorrowful eyes as his tears start falling again.

  
  
"Promise me."

  
  
Jihoon nods resignedly.

  
  
"I promise you."

  
  
With that Guanlin closes his eyes, his ever present smile gracing his face.

  
  
_ I'll love you forever, Jihoon. _


End file.
